The Nine Types of Crushes You Have in NYC

It’s summertime in New York City, which means there are lots of parties and picnics and other events where you can meet new friends. While the word crush is somewhat sophomoric, there doesn’t seem to be a better way to describe those fleeting moments of attraction that the constant turnover of NYC creates. So here are nine types of crushes that every NYCer has (adjust the pronouns accordingly):

1. The “Way Too Cool for Me” Crush: This girl is great, but she practically wrote the training manual on taking overhead brunch pictures and her monthly clothes budget resembles the GDP of Botswana. Unless you’re willing to lie by telling her that you’re in investment banking, you should save your time and just move on.

2. The “Identity” Crush: You struggle through thirty minutes of conversation with her, but since it would be so intriguing to date someone who writes for the New York Times’ Style section (insert your cool job of choice) you spend the next day trying convince yourself that you like her.

3. The “Headshot” Crush: As you scan through the Facebook invite list for an upcoming event, you notice a girl with an attractive profile picture who seems fun. The event happens but you never see her, until you realize afterwards that you guys did meet, you just didn’t recognize the un-photoshopped version of her.

4. The “She’ll Be a Great Mom” Crush: She is friendly, kind, and patient, and seems like she would be a great mom someday. Unfortunately, she doesn’t fit into your aspirational life plans so you limit contact with her until your feelings slowly die like the plant on your windowsill you keep forgetting to water.

5. The “I Don’t Know Why I Am Still Trying” Crush: You’ve attempted to have a conversation with her at four different events over the last two months, but she responds to every one of your questions with an average of 1.7 words. You should quit while you have at least a shred of your dignity intact.

6. The “I’ve Learned My Lesson” Crush: You dated a girl like her in college and that was a disaster, to put it mildly. Then you dated the same type of girl two years later that only exacerbated the trainwreck that was your first year out of college. Now, no matter what you’re feeling, you know to steer clear of this type of girl.

7. The “You Should Meet My Friend” Crush: Just kidding, this one doesn’t exist because no guy ever crushes on a girl who gets suggested to him by her friend. I don’t know why this is true, and I’m sure your friend is great, but this fails 99.9% of the time.

8. The “I’m Trying to Crush on You” Crush: On paper, this girl is a great match for you, but you’ve spent some time around her and you’re just not feeling it. So you make one last attempt to like her by scrolling through all of her Instagram pictures while listening to Taylor Swift’s Love Story on repeat. Baby just sayyyy yesss.

9. The “Get Your Life Together” Crush: As you walk home after meeting this girl, you resolve to start ironing your shirt every day, to begin exercising again, and to stop eating scrambled eggs for dinner three times a week. These are the most rare (thus my love of scrambled eggs) but have the most long-term potential.

So there you have it, how I, I mean we, crush in New York City. And we even managed to go out on a positive note. Happy crushing!